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I’m a Meatatarian

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screenshot of Instagram post - plate full of meat. Meatatarian
No veggies? No problem.
I’m a red-blooded, God-fearing, feisty American and I like meat. I know how it’s produced, I’m comfortable with the sacrifice made to yield it and I can prepare it 154 ways to amaze even the most skeptical foodie. I eat it at almost every meal and even snack-time if some beef jerky is handy. That’s right, I’m a meatatarian.
 
You might be wondering what a meatatarian is, so pay attention while I drop a profound answer in your lap:
meatatarian: a person who, for a variety of reasons, eats mostly meat and very few vegetables. This dietary ‘lifestyle’ may be due to allergies or could be attributed to a sincere distaste for most vegetables.
I fall into the latter of those two descriptions – I have eaten a lot of vegetables in my twenty-somethings years, in fact it was a rule in the Buzzard household that you had to clean your plate before getting up for dinner. I actually tested this rule to the max when I was seven and fell asleep at dinner because I didn’t want to eat spinach.
 
In spite of my avoidance plan, leftover spinach graced my plate at lunch-time the next day. The only thing worse than spinach is leftover, re-warmed spinach. Gag.
 
However, upon leaving the parental castle for college I vowed that I would not continue to eat another food that I despised, thereby depriving those who enjoy vegetables from what they view as an exemplary eating experience. Hence, my diet consists of meat, dairy, grains — sometimes whole, others not — and fruit. Often times, my plate contains meat, cottage cheese and a potato/green beans/corn/squash; however, if said potato dish includes peppers or other contemptible vegetable intruders, I quickly jump off the veggie train.
 
It’s worth noting that I have tried almost every vegetable in the grocery store so I’m not condemning them without actually having tried them. You name it and I’ve *probably* tried it and subsequently, disliked it.
 
Bear in mind, I do have vegetarian friends. They are insanely awesome and although we poke fun at one another about dietary choices, I have never seriously tried to convert them back to meat-eaters and they have never tried to persuade me to stop gorging on bacon and steak. They have their reasons for choosing their lifestyle and I have mine. We can all coexist and co-eat in peace.
 
I often wish that I did like vegetables. I see commercials for fresh salads chock full of crispy fresh peppers, cucumbers and carrots. I would love to partake, really I would, but my most recent attempt at ingesting crunchy, fresh salad-type foods led to a near vomit experience in the local Olive Garden. I doubt they would have viewed me as family if I had spewed in the garden.
 
a meatatarian trying to eat a veggie salad at olive garden

My ordering process at restaurants drives my husband insane but I fail to understand why my palate restricts his meal experience. I challenge you to find a restaurant in existence in which I couldn’t suss out at least one thing to eat – plain is always an option – therefore, my food preferences should in no way affect his options.  I profess that I am not a picky eater; I know what I want and I eat a lot of it. Steak, bacon, burgers, chops, wings – bring all the smokey, spiced and sauced goodness to me on a silver platter and I shall demolish it in one fell swoop.

So, to my fellow meatatarians, here are some survival tips for navigating through an increasingly veggo-filled world:

  • Do not be ashamed of your choices – God made you this way and no one can argue with that.
  • Keep a close eye out for veggies that are added but not disclosed – i.e. the bacon and cheese hot dog in a pretzel bun at Sonic does not make buyers aware of onions in the mix but they are sure ’nuff on the dog.
  • When the day arrives that you’re tired of defending your choices (and it will come, no fail), claim to be allergic to specific vegetables. This strategy will immediately stop whatever heckling you’re receiving. I have used this at Taco Bell in order to stop the staff from ignoring my requests about a lettuce-less burrito.
  • Pose the question, “If I were a vegetarian would you be giving me this much guff?”
  • Refer to one of any number of Ron Swanson classics – here, here and here.
  • Bonus info: if you order fajitas and ask for no onions or peppers, they will often double the amount of meat you’re getting so the portion sizes are equal. Huzzah!

I imagine, in the distant future, there will be a support group for folks like myself who, despite society’s need to interrogate and force change upon our dietary choices needs, have chosen to eat mostly animal products mixed in with a few whole grains and some fruit.

Stand strong, fellow meatatarians, and let protein drive the force.

Until next time,
~ Buzzard ~

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